


still all my song shall be

by DetectiveJoan



Category: Autoboyography - Christina Lauren
Genre: 5 Things, Character Study, M/M, Mormonism, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 14:19:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18390122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DetectiveJoan/pseuds/DetectiveJoan
Summary: These are the things Sebastian keeps.





	still all my song shall be

**Author's Note:**

> inspired more by jana riess than christina lauren but no one here wanted me to write prose about statistical significance in the next mormons survey, let’s all be perfectly honest.
> 
> (not beta'd, so please let me know if you see any particularly glaring errors)

These are the things Sebastian keeps:

 

i. 

The heavy gold CTR ring his aunt had given him for his 18th birthday. He’d worn it ever since, more religiously than some people he knew wore their garments. As he learns to lean more on personal revelation to puzzle out what The Right is, he appreciates being reminded that he still gets to Choose—that Lucifer fell for nothing more or less than attempting to deny his brothers their agency.

(Tanner sometimes holds his hand so aggressively that the edges of the ring cut into both of them, leaving sharp twin lines declaring deep devotion. When Tanner levels his fiercest glare at anyone who dares to have a problem with their intertwined fingers, Sebastian finally understands every Sunday School lesson about choosing a companion who compliments your weaknesses.)

 

ii. 

His mission call. He tucks it, still unopened, into the filing cabinet in his parent’s storage room, in the same hanging folder that holds everything from the sacrament program from the day of his baby blessing to a copy of his seminary graduation certificate. He figures his great-nieces and -nephews can have it someday, just another piece in their genealogical puzzle.

(They’ll have his journals, too, and he can only pray they’ll understand some of what he meant when he wrote, in a post-midnight fit of poetry, _I can’t comprehend how outer darkness could maintain its dimness if it’s a prison built in the glow of Tanner’s smile after I’ve kissed him; it’s certainly the only thing I’ve ever seen that shines are brightly as the noonday sun.)_

 

iii.

His wallet-sized copy of For The Strength of Youth. He’s not sure if it’s something still meant for him—how old do you have to be before you stop being a Youth, anyway?—and he doesn’t reference it as often as he did as a deacon, but it’s still comforting to see the slightly battered photo of the temple every time he goes to pay for groceries.

(The full-sized version of the pamphlet warns him against gambling, but he takes his shot at bishop roulette and finally has his records moved to a singles’ ward. He comes out in a meeting that he’s sure was meant to be nothing more than a formality, a “welcome to the ward, can I interest you in a calling?”. The ball is still spinning by the end of the night, but Sebastian feels good about his wager.)

 

iv. 

His temple recommend. He’s proud to be able to show he’s still worthy, even if he doesn’t use it as often as he should because simply seeing the building on the hill is sometimes enough to warp his mind back to the interview.

 _Do you believe in the atonement of Christ_ the bishop had asked, and Sebastian had said yes easily.

 _Do you pay a full tithe_ the bishop had asked, and Sebastian had answered in the affirmative again.

 _Do you keep the law of chastity_ the bishop had asked, and Sebastian had nodded even though he wasn’t quite sure…

(He doesn’t think anyone knows what chastity means exactly, especially not for people like him who’re on the wrong side of the Kinsey Scale, but he’s never done anything with Tanner that made him feel like a cupcake with the frosting licked off, nothing that made him feel unworthy of his priesthood, or too guilty to pray the next morning. If those are the markers of breaking the law, Sebastian’s as law-abiding as it’s possible to be.)

 

v. 

His patriarchal blessing. It’s pressed flat between the pages of the quad with his name embossed on the cover in silver. He’d memorized it when he was seventeen, so he doesn’t read it often anymore, but on the harder days he finds himself reciting the promises of it under his breath to remind himself there is a plan for his life out there somewhere. He just has to find it.

(Again.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm DetectiveJoan and you can find me writing about queerness and/or mormonism quite often on my [tumblr](http://detectivejoan.tumblr.com/)


End file.
